I cant remember when was the last time i shedded a tear or two?
Yesterday was the day. If it wasnt for what happened the day before i wont be that sentimental.
The day before was bad. Seemed like everyone wanted a pieces of me. (i'm ranting badly)
- How i wish some girls can stop bitching and digging for gossip. You want gossip? i'll give you tonnes of fake ones. Dont ever come to me and pretend how innocent and friendly you are but from all the lines you gave, you're just trying to dig something from me. If you wanna hint something, sorry my brain are just too blunt to catch that and if you have something to tell me, just say so. I hate the guessing game. How i pray all the gals in the world would stop gossiping and if they love to backstab, just as long it's not my back i'm too willing to get some popcorns and watch.
- A phone call that wanted me to help despite that i cant help at all as the person involved can very well do that by himself. She was just too anxious bout everything.
- Another bad experience. When things concern bout money, even the nicest ppl would sure turned into the nastiest. Didnt say i have to give 2 months notice before i moved out and didnt signed any contract, so it's not a written statement but well the landlord suddenly decided to have that rule so what am i gotta do? Stay in vista til May? And it's very unreasonable for him to said so.
- Another phone call that really stressed up my day. For one mere performance, i had told him that i'm having finals and i really dont want to perform. How he can dragged on the phone for so long, and when i said i really dont wish to do so, accusations followed. I dont really understand why? Why when other violinists wish not to perform, they can get off pretty clean, and when it's me, it's always my fault my problem and my inconsideration? Yeah right i was given one pseudo-reason, that's for being a good violinist. I said i didnt study much i need to do so and am a better night person, but then he reasoned that i wont be studying for the whole day and night and that one hour wont seriously kill me. One hour, you sure it's going to be one hour? Whatever, i can never win in any quarrel. And i still hate it. You want me to do things your way, first respect and do things my way. Dont take my presence for granted. Know that you need me and then respect comes first. I'm not a doll or puppet where i have to obey every strings you're pulling.
- Minor things that i dont wanna share now.
I tried to study yesterday but nothing goes into my grey brocolli. I know it's all my fault, being too lepak can be very bad. Push every module to the study weeks. Blame myself if i fail. But at the mean time i only pray that i'll pass. This is not the reason i shredded my tears. I hate myself for being weak in all matters concern those ppl i care and love.
With all those bad thoughts still wandering in my mind, i thought it would be better to hear some familiar voices since i've been alone for too long dy.(And i'm going to be so for another 12 days.) He was diagnosed with HF a few years ago. I still remembered the fear i had when Mr David Chong said the survival chance for these patients are 50% after 5 years. Countless times i been to visit him in hospital, learning bout his progression. Yesterday i know i'm the only person he shared his latest disease progression. His heart swells more and his kidney's failing. I was really in fear. To think that i'll be away from him til 2009, to fear that he'll leave me one day, then all the bad emotions came in, then i just let fear engulfed me, and start letting my tears loose. But thank god laura's msg came. Joining them for awhile eased me, really thank them. Thanks hungjen for the nice joke as well. :P Thus my tears only ran for a few minutes? haha
I'm like a misery-keeping-chest. All relatives treat me as their own daughter, and they share things with me, i am happy to be able to ease their worries for awhile. But sometimes it's just too much, to see my grandma crying in my arms, to listen to my aunt's sickness and how she refuse to take medication etc., and to feel so hopeless and so useless coz i cant do anything to help.
It's bad, i get too sentimental for ppl i care and love. Too emotional, too weak...these traits, i can never let go. Sometimes it's very hard for me. I cant tell anyone, because it'll just bring worries to others. I choose to swallow everything, choose to be extremely optimistic. But still my emotional range has its limit. Especially when i'm alone for too long...no one to talk too. I will let myself dwell in those worries for no reason. For the first time, i really wished someone i know, anyone, was with me yesterday, hug me for awhile, tell me it's ok, dont stress, dont worry...but not those 2 tortoises la LOL haha. She said, why dont i just telephone my mum? I said, it's hard to tell her, she has her own problems to worry bout, as a daughter, i should be the one to ease her worries not to bring more to her, and i know she'll worry like hell if i tell her my problems. She got so frantic when i said i'm going to get sick...i wouldnt dare to frighten her further seriously. I want to be manja after EOS, although that's not the way i'm brought up to be. I guess as i grow older, i'm weaker. I wanna be strong, i still have a week's worth of battles to fight next week!
A note to myself: you're not a princess, waiting for the rescue of a knight! You're your own princess and you're your own knight! Remember that! And stay strong, for a lot of ppl are counting on you!
And i just wanna pass next week's EOS. God please help me!!
