Year end, always a good time ^,^

Despite the fact that i should be topping up my knowledge preparing myself as i 'float' around before i'm officially registered, i've been pampering myself with much moneywasting behaviour.

Who cares, i've been quite happy when i spend recently. Though much considerations and also struggle just before i lessen the burden of my pocket purse... haha but in the end, still i chose to take a few risks and try out new things

First of all, i've coloured my hair. I'm now a brunette, with midlength hair. Was quite worried it wont look nice, but turned out even my mum likes it, previously she was strongly against it.

Gatherings, shoppings, movies, FOODS lol these couple of months been quite eventful.

Harry Potter was more like a horror movie lol though some said it's boring, not much of action, but i found it quite ok. Darker plot of course. Not to say i'm very excited, but to see the characters matured across the years, it's been like a routine to watch every instalment :) Though it did came to my thoughts that, after next and last instalment, it will all came to an end, and that'll be the end of Harry Potter, and also the end of readers' fantasy, after all these year of loyalty :P Well we'll just have to see what the last could offer us.

I love minature things and deco, 1.5 years ago, i played around with models, now i am playing aorund with miniature furnitures. And i've spent quite an amount for a painting set. Cant wait to start that :)

'Floating' around is fun, but stressed sometimes. Not stressed, due to nil requirements. Which is good. After work i have the time to myself. THough soon all the oncalls will come chasing me, but still, it's quite ok i guess.

There are so many things i wanna do, watch dramas, travel, read books, and my hobbies lol but i guess i'm just have to take things one at a time.

The thing i enjoy the most is being able to sleep more than i used to for the past few months. Things been hectic and complicated haha but now i can sleep with a safe and relax mind. It's good ^^

Speaking of that, i'm again...sleepy. So toodles and i shall date in my dream again tonite.

The reason why...

I'm 23 years and 20 days old, today



I am having mixed feelings now. Mostly negative feelings.



My working life is a bit stressful at times but i'm coping.



I ended something which i've been having faith for so long....so long....today. Something that i put hope, faith, patience, trust, efforts, love into it.



And it lasted for around 9 months. Something that broke my heart for the second time, in another form. Cuts so deeply, i'm almost drained of blood.



Of all the words that you've been put infront of me, those lines, those names, those promises, those plans... they used to be so strong, full of strength that can carry me anywhere. Now they seems so feeble, every words laughing at my silliness, naiveness for being so trustful. Silly gal.



And for a period of time, maybe short, i thought i was loved, i thought i was being cared of, and i really thought that thoughts were spared, just for me. Things started to crack, when a small promise made, was broken, the same promise was remade, broken again, and the third time it did. Until i realised that isnt important anymore. Little did my heart started to realised that words were all i have, nothing else.



And for a period of time, i could feet that, i'm just like a float, a spare tyre, a substitute and an entertainer, and my role was to fill up those free time, to kill time. And i was so enthu, staying up til midnite to play that role very well, and waking up with just 4-5 hours of sleep just to complete my role again. How pathetic haha. Everytime you say you're sorry, my face will come out just when you needed it.



I planned to have a wonderful christmas, a surprise. I planned to go back for studies. I planned to have summer vacations. I planned and think and planned. All come to nil. The money i saved...i should spend them on other things.



I realised that i'm not that important at all. Coz simple excuses could make me happy, and not even a short 5 minutes could be spared for me. Things surfaced when i'm getting serious. This fact hurts but then it's the truth. So i dragged the days, keep having faith, tell myself i'm being too sensitive, to possessive. I started to gave excuses for myself. Delaying the pain.



But clearly deep down i know what is going on. Wasted loads of tears. Denial was what i did for the past couple of months. Having no strength and courage to face the truth. Keep telling myself i have to be considerate, have faith, it's not easy, and i was told that it'll never be easy and it's different (and so i thought that was what's was playing in your mind too, having the same faith as me).



Excuses, apologies, drags, avoidance, even perhaps, lies too... i've been too patient i guess. Giving loads of space, time. I didnt even cry so hard the first time i was falling so hard on the ground. This time, i drained all my tears. Completely. Put all my hope, thoughts and love into this joke. Wishing that things would be better one day....but things never changed. I gave chances after chances...what do i get in return?



No explainations, no efforts made. No more care, no more 'hun' or 'babe' but only 'hey'. And i get tired. My eyes get tired, my heart gets tired, my mind gets tired.



I am left in the cold, the dark.



You could take away all my love, so what do i need you for?

You could take away all the words, there's no meaning anymore.

You can take away everything and left me lying on the floor.

I'm broken, and i wonder if you could mend me anymore. Though for you, it's such a hassle to do so and you'll just leave it coz you, like ur old self, couldnt be bothered as usual.



There are times i wanna say, lets start this all again. But the next thought always hit me hard, 'babe, he isnt being genuinely interested, you are kidding urself, Alice WAKEUP'



You're not sorry, as i waste my hope that you'd come around.

I hope someday, i will find someone who will treat me well, who deserve me, if you are not the one for me.



If you cant handle me when i'm at my worst, you certainly dont deserve me when i'm at my best. And yes, this year i've been the worst, with all coming in one by one. Though i wanna thank you for being there at the start when this year was bad, and keeping me happy and alive, though that was short. Thank you for making me stronger. For letting me know that, when i'm down and facing problems, i no longer have you and all i have is myself to get it over with.



I said before that i'll cut all possible connection. Though you said before that you never want that to happen, but i guess you dont care anymore



I cant hate you, because i love you so much, yes i love you, so much (a phrase i know i can never say to you), that i can only wish you love and set you free. I know from today onwards, your face shall be fading away from my life. Your hugs were history. Your lips are the one i never get to kiss. And i am gonna be the best you never had.



I'm saying goodbye, while having no tears to cry. I stay in love with you. Until i manage to erase you forever....



The reason why, i'm dying with a bleeding heart...

A brand new day :)

For what seems like a lifetime.... I'm BACK!

What a busy eventful shitty pressured PRP year, though i'm late, but at least i ended everything yesterday just 15 mins before 5 pm. YESH now i'm FLOATING.

Today, today it's a holiday! and i'm sleeping all my way til mid morning. Waking up with a shoulder pain but hell yeah i know that it wont be the same as the previous nights.

Hmm....23 years old. Confusing age. I know what comes next will be plenty of changes, plenty of decisions to make. Things will get better, even if what i about to choose will lead me into confusion, and lost me my direction. But yes, every option is a door to a brand new start.

Go away those bad feelings. Bless me :) and i'm glad to say

I'M BACK AFTER A YEAR OF whatseemslikeahell LIFE.

resurrected!