Where the road leads to?

All ppl having fun packing, getting ready to go abroad, excited about what lies ahead of us, and i'm sure that's the feeling that all of them will be bringing with them next tuesday. Perhaps, plus some melancholy feelings, missing all the close relatives and friends in M'sia, and even food and weather as well.

I wonder how can i describe my feelings, the percentage of excitement is about...let me see...5%? Sadness? For now a lil, coz i know i'll be seeing them 400 days from now. One year, it's neither long nor short. Anything can happen during this period.

I'm neither excited, happy, nor looking forward, it's plain neutral feelings. I'm really feeling much uncertainty, not of what lies ahead of me in Glasgow, but of what will happen here in M'sia as well as to me and to them.

I started to blame myself, for a fault that's totally not mine, then i started to think, if i chose another way years back, things would have been different. Although i live by my quote, and i dont regret my choice, but i cant help but start thinking, perhaps, just perhaps, i could be the key to everything. Yes, and why must i always be the key to everything, even simple things like a violin performance either at my home town or either in IMU, i'm always the key... Or rather, ppl just love to put me as key, so i'm the one taking the whole responsibility for things.

The Road Not Taken, i still remember that vividly...if you're in my shoe, you cant help but think the same way as i am now. Maybe i should be the one to blame...though i was told it got nothing to do with me at all, but, really???

I already have lots of uban, cant i have a whole full week with nothing to worry about? can i? Ppl will say, tell lar, share with us, will make you feel better, but seriously will you all actually understand? things will be complicated to you coz you wont get the whole picture. Plus, how many ppl can i trust seriously? Insecurity, yes, i'm always feeling that since secondary school, and also recently. I might appear to be independent and reliable to friends, but i must admit that i am not. I DONT TRUST MYSELF AT ALL.

Yes, all close friends say, i'm always optimistic, happy-go-lucky, sometimes it's good to be that way but do they know that actually, being optimistic will only help you to 'act' strong for just that lil moment, it's actually what a coward usually does. The problem is still there. Being happy-go-lucky and optimistic will not solve any problem.

Me myself is amazed by how i could changed in such a short period of time. I've warned them, that i might change anytime. I dont know what will i become. But i think i'm going to be a real katak soon, cold-blooded. Dramatic life, such wonderful encounters, more exciting than watching drama. What has dawned to me, what has happened, and what i met, changes me. But still, to those i love, i will still love you, to those i like, i will still like you, to those i care, i will still care, but i wont find excuses for those ppl who dont deserve them. No more compassion. Life is never fair, no matter how hard i try to make things fair, no...life's never fair to me. Balanced by what i got, and the talents i have? But i was forced to abandon them one by one by fate.

I never completed any of my talents. Violin...how would i know i'll be a better violinist than a pianist? if i knew i wouldnt have started piano at that tender age. And it's just a small town as well. She thought i was a promising student, the second after her music prodigy student from Batu Pahat, and she was certain that even though i cant be a professional player due to my late exposure to the instrument, i will sure go into an orchestra. It still aches me that i will disappoint her. Just look at my fingers, they arent flexible, sensitive and fast enough anymore. Grade 8? i guess my lvl's now only mere pass Grade 6. In addition, i'm so going to have to leave my violin here, in M'sia for more than a year, cant imagine how bad my intonation and aural will be when i next play a violin. 4 months of off and on practicing and i've declined so much...it's never a good choice to put that instrument down, during that critical time, when your skills are at the optimum, and just a few more months of active fiddling, then you're moving towards another phase...

Sigh..i said i disappointed lots of ppl, i do. Painting, another ache. Swimming, worse, when you were told by a professional coach that you're a natural swimmer, and the next week you are so excited you finally get a real coach (instead of daddy, who until now still forbid me to learn Butterfly! and refuse to teach me!!), the STUPID MUAR POOL IS CLOSED FOREVER!! So what can i do? stay away from pools, til i'm a little afraid of water now. Skating, nope we couldnt afford that plus we're not capable of travelling up to KL just to learn that. Given chance i wont be joining St. John and shouted til my voice coarse...Piano, it somehow disappointed my teacher only i guess, for i chose violin and drop piano coz i was allowed to pick one instrument at a time. Sigh, i cant even hold the calligraphy pen straight now, Uncle Chee will be glad that he never had a student like me.

Upon looking at what i been through, i can only say, things happened for a reason. Things that are not mine to worry about, still bother me much, things that are my own to worry about, will persist so, until i die i think. I pray hard, for nothing to happen, for granting my wish, and just let things go my way can?

Now i think i need to worry about my studies, i've been hibernating very long dy, the marks are just horrendous. I need something to push me. Please for the first time in my life, please be serious about studies. No more last minute readings. AND I MUST MEMORISE ALL THINGS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY UNDERSTANDING IS REALLY NOT ENOUGH IN MY COURSE ANYMORE. MISS C, JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE TO MEMORISE THINGS DOESNT MEAN YOU DONT NEED TO!! TWICE READINGS BEFORE EXAM WILL ONLY LEAD YOU TO 'HELL'! Please God, dont send me any temptation during my stay in Glasgow, let me be void of entertainment!! ARHHHHH....

Enough crappiness... now i need to do thinking....