Things will never be the same anymore...

lil thing, that was never significant to me, that had never occured in my mind before, is going to change my world forever.

suddenly i have to see and treat everything in a new perspective.

i am in fear...hopefully just for now.

all the plans i once fantasized about, all the possible outcomes i once drawn, will soon be rendered impossible.

something i thought i could reach, approach, touch, achieve, etc...seem a thousand miles away.

ahh...never thought it'll be that dramatic, but now my life is all about dramas...

this is not an emo post, this is a real, serious post and i'm not exaggerating bout everyting i just blogged about.

i just wish that they will be blessed.

i need to set new rules from now onwards. New sets of principles.

and i will take it to the grave with me if possible.

Did a personality test, here's the link:

http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

Here's the results: I am an ENFP

ENFPs have a tendency to overextend themselves in both their physical and emotional commitments. Their proclivity to procrastinate and to overlook details complicates their circumstances. ENFPs often move on to new ventures without completing those they have already started. Their charming personalities can show signs of irritability and over-sensitivity when their desires to please different people come into conflict. During times of stress, ENFPs feel alienated. They then engage in deceptions that serve to obscure what is occurring within themselves.

The ENFP finds symbolic meanings behind the immediate circumstances. These meanings are construed as foreboding problems when ENFPs are under stress. Having a pervasive feeling of losing control over their own independent identities, ENFPs will feel virtually split apart by intruding circumstances. They will be "besides themselves" and "just not all there" — as if something, or someone, has taken away the essence of who they are. Not feeling like themselves, the ENFP will become subject to their own feelings of shame for being a phony, a fake or an impostor. If stress continues to grow, they may attribute malevolent schemes to others in order to explain away their fears.

Careers:

This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well.

conference planner
speech pathologist
HR development trainer
ombudsman
clergy
journalist
newscaster
career counselor
housing director
character actor
marketing consultant
musician/composer
artist
information-graphics...designer
human resource manager
merchandise planner
advertising account manager
dietitian/nutritionist
speech pathologist
massage therapist
editor/art director

Forbidden to Do These...

Ironically...

1. I wanna cut my hair short short...but Laura and Jen forbid me gao gao...
2. I wanna tan my skin black black, coz if i manage to pass my finals, i'll have at least 13 months to simpan putih-putih, but i'm not allowed...(plan to do it curi-curily)
3. Uncle bought me 36 black sesame soft cakes, but mum forbids me to eat...
4. I wanna move out on 12 of April, but once again, they want me stay til May...I thought they'd wanna spend more time with me??
5. I wanna achieve a higher level of lameness, at least as high as Joshua but Hell Belle hopes i better dont. Reason: Coz it's very cham for ppl who are talking to me...
6. There are a few things i wanna get, but stupid Mr Money just wont let me...
7. I wanna start my drugs list...but my moo~~d says no...
8. So many plans...but Lady Luck said no, so i cancelled 5 plans so far across 1 week!!
9. .......................................

oh kami ah, tasukete!!

I'm Listening for the Weather

So I'm listening for the weather to predict the coming day

Leave all thought of expectation to the weather man

No it doesn't really matter what it is he has to say

'Coz tomorrows keep on blowing in from somewhere

All the people that I know in the apartments down below

Busy with their starring roles in their own tragedies

Sunlight sends you on your way

And those restless thoughts that cling to yesterday

Never be afraid of change

I'll call you on the phone

I hate to leave you on your own

But I'm coming home today

And this busy inner city

Has got nothing much to say

And I know how much you're hanging round the letterbox

And I'm sure that as I'm writing

You'll be somewhere on your way

In a supermarket checkout or the restaurant

I've been doing what I'm told

I've been busy growing old

And the days are getting cold but that's alright with me

Sunlight sends you on your way

And those restless thoughts that cling to yesterday

Never be afraid of change

I'm coming home today

Yes I'm coming home today

I've been doing what I'm told

I've been busy growing old

And the days are getting cold but that's alright with me

Never be afraid of change

Smooch~~

Chilling after a long day, in front of the square solid box...

Eyes popping out due to long stare at the screen...

Turned my gaze to the nearest living creatures that are in front of me, the 2 tortoises...

To my surprise, i saw them watching me at first...

The one to the left was swimming a bit...

Then...

Suddenly...

The left's turned to the right, and smooched it...

Not kidding here...

It looked at the right's, then approached and kissed it!!

Cute and adorable, pity didnt get to capture that...

The right's look awhile at the left's lol, as if a bit dumbfounded...

Love's in the air above the small aquarium there...

Should tell Merv bout this tomoro, when he gets back and if i still remember and if he's not too tired to listen to me...

Sweet old days...

Kites

Rollerblades

Frisbee

Seashells

Marbles

Feeding chicks

Gasing

Barbie dolls

Lego

Beaches we've been to

Sunway Lagoon, Water World

and various sports taught by daddy...

Ah...i can see kids flying kites from my balcony, on IMU hill...revisited by sweet childhood memories...how i miss those days...i wonder how many city kids actually know how to fly a kite?!(ok this might be too much LOL...)

Highlights of The Day

How they broke my heart~~T.T
Were discussing where to have our dinner
Me: wait, wait, when we in strathclyde that time, my bday, i want everyone come and i wanna...(not even finished, my sentence...)
Puileng: ehem.. we are discussin bout kok pim's bday...
Jeannie: I didnt catch taht sorry

Me having non-linear body weight?
Jeannie: Because carolyn has non-linear body weight (muttering)
Me: What? What is that? what is non-linear body weight? Why?
Jeannie: Because you can starve for 2 days without eating and not looking any slimmer at all...
Me: My best record was 4 days, camp during Form 2. They bloody ruined the kitchen we built, and the rain was too heavy and damaged all our food...thus...only milo for the meals...
(what exactly mean by non-linear body weight? figure it our yourself)

1, 2, 3, 8, 10, 15!!??
1=KFC, 2=ticket, 3=skating treat, 8?=jeannie will think of something nice for moi, 10= my target, jen said it's too much, 15= jeannie's target.
(this is our lil agreement)

How to avoid getting annoyed by the frequent shutting of toilet door (if you were fated to take the one near the toilet)
Vivi: One ppl only sh*t once per day mar, so 4 times per day lor...not that bad lar...
Edmund: I thought sh*tting business will be done in campus wan?
(orh... now we know edmund only sh*t in the campus toilets)

Who will cry the most during the day of our flight?
KokLiang: I'll cry from the moment i am in the car coming to KL
Me: I wont cry in front of them(parents) gua, after boarding the plane then cry lor...
Edmund: (unexpectedly) I think i'll cry the most gua (everyone laughing, because is that likely? Just funny to think he cries lol)

How Jen and Vivi can laugh so hard bout my lame joke~
Vivi: i wanna bring videocam and record all our expressions before boarding the plane
Jen: i doubt you'll be free to do that
Me: dont worry lar vivi, just attach the videocam on top of your head so you can pack while recording all ppl's expressions
(and i dont know why they laughed so hard, maybe the thought of ppl with vidcam attached on their head was funny)

About cooking utensils, how many rice cooker should we bring?
All were having mixed conversation...suddenly...
KokPim: We buy cooking utensils to cook BIRD NEST there lar~~
(everyone roaring in laughter and sweating as well)

How i hope to see half naked Edmund LOL
Edmund: Why need to buy so many rice cooker? Can use pan mah...
Vivi: Then maybe you should use wood to cook lol
Me: Ya, then early in the morning, we can see edmund, half-naked, carrying an axe and chopping woods on the ground in front of our hostel...
(the thought of him doing that is hilarious lol)

Bout housemanship
(suddenly)
Edmund: I dont wanna do housemanship in sarawak mar, so the only way is to get married with an Ipoh wife so i can stay in Ipoh...
Edmund: So... i wanna have a pseudo marriage with laiyee!! (...shocking news)

Bout bathing, laundry.
Me: Cant tahan lar, not bathing in the morning..
Edmund: So cold wont sweat de lar...
Kok Liang: Ya lor...
Jen, vivi: Heard no place for us to sidai kain, they use washing machine and dryer there...
Kok Liang: Ya lor if wanna cuci, have to do it curi-curi in the toilet(is that a crime? cuci kain? OMG i never knew handwashing clothes will actually breaks the law...why am i not arrested yet til now?).
Me: Must be expensive lar using those washing machine...
Kok Liang: No need de lar, there so cold, just sidai your baju in your room and let it dry, wont have any bad smell wan...we guys very chinchai wan...
(now we know we should never step into a guy's room)

Me, being minority
Me: Laiyee, i'm afraid i'll really get married at the age of 21, like what we predicted using our teacher's engagement ring lar (tat was when i was 10 years old lol)
Vivi: Good lar, they're all angmo (meaning red hair in hokkien) and they love minority mar.
(so i'm really the minority...)

How Kok Liang's expression ended the dinner
All ppl discussing bout politics...Kok Liang being the loudest and cant seem to speak totally in chinese (those DAP, BN, blah blah blah and those politicians' names)
Me: Can you use fan dui dang for DAP?
Jen: Ya, you shouldnt be that obvious...(and he was abit intimidated by both of us)
~suddenly, kok pim came from his back and bent down so fast and close to his face that he actually...squeaked and jumped from his chair, LOL that expression was classic!!)

Ambivalent feelings

EOS's finished, the moment Mr David Chong announced that we can all stop working, i had a grin so wide on my face, because i can smell of 'freedom' in the air. Then i was high for few minutes, despite my aching stomach.

Happiness doesnt last long usually. Just when i thought the paper was fine, then everyone came pouring on me how tough the paper was, bursting my bubbles one by one. Checking the modules and MEP just made things worse. Being a chicken as usual, the instance i found that i got 2 wrongs out of the 2 questions i checked, i gave up and just snapped the book close and fearing that how much i actually did wrong that will really lead to another failure!! Cant blame anyone, as i really studied 66 pages, the rest...was sleeping(ehemm, resting) time~~ andDD3 was worse!!

The next moment i was happy again, as my stomach did feel better and the diarrhoea was actually gone.
got fever and gastric since wednesday and because of the latter, i cant even eat anything for the past 2 days. Ate 6 sachets of TCM for the past 24 hours which just eased the pain abit. All my Smecta expired...T.T and i cant find the ranitidine my dad bought me... i was so dizzy and in pain that i was really like a vegetative patient. Lying on the bed, for whole day. Even found it difficult to walk and sit properly. Then thursday afternoon, gastric persisted and diarrhoea followed. Every 2 hours, i had to visit my dear o'toilet! My cater, i could only throw them away, as i cant eat at all those spicy food and saving them has no use. No housemates, Merv's in Cambodia, Tracy's back at hometown. Luckily this morning, Jeannie reminded me something, 100PLUS!! why it didnt occur to me that i can still drink that to balance the electrolytes in my stomach? Though walking towards the shop was a torment. I had to confess, that i wasted a lot of food for the past 2 days. 2 meals was thrown away, the porridge this afternoon was barely touched, the 2 glass of milk i 'bancuh' all half touched, even the 100PLUS was not finished...
Then we were happily discussing bout where to have our meal in conjuction with Kok Pim's Bday tomoro. I was drooling madly when i saw the Kenny Rogers menu. Quarter meal + macaroni & cheese + mashed potatoes + BBQ baked beans + chocolate muffins (thought not a fan of chocolate). Yum~~however,...how-ever, the moment i sapu the muffin, i can feel the protest of my stomach, complaining that i didnt give it enough rest, ranting that i had picked the wrong meal. Couldnt even finish the whole meal. Thanks to Kok Liang, for not wasting my food. Then i go back to bad bad mood again. Walking around the shopping mall for bout half an hour seemed like limping in agony along an endless corridor for me. Back to the state where i cant walk and stand straight...

Sigh~~ suppose to love this day, when i regain my freedom again, but hate the feelings of how i sucked at all my papers and how my stomach has grown weaker by the day. This is the worst exams i ever took. Worse than last semester, though i'm more hardworking during this sem's study weeks. I tengok pecah dy, if need to resit, let it be. History will be made this time. What i worry most is, how i will break my parents' hearts when they know i fail...takde muka to ask money from them to pay for the resit...even though they'll never let me pay on my own. Even if i did not fail, the marks will be horrible...really...blame myself for never trying to be serious in my studies. Blame the stupid idea of being a perfectionist, blame Sem 2, blame meself for being a lousy daughter and student. It's too late to regret.

Perhaps, my dear arch enemy, if you were here, i'll wake up from my hibernation, and start fighting again, start to be serious again, instead of letting laziness overwhelmed me...i lost the mood to do everything...soon, i'll either descend the stairs of evolution to become a pig, or i'll just transform into a zombie...i shall not hold on to the whole perfectionist concept anymore, if not, it's really going to killing me soft and steadily...

When was the last time?

I cant remember when was the last time i shedded a tear or two?

Yesterday was the day. If it wasnt for what happened the day before i wont be that sentimental.

The day before was bad. Seemed like everyone wanted a pieces of me. (i'm ranting badly)

1. How i wish some girls can stop bitching and digging for gossip. You want gossip? i'll give you tonnes of fake ones. Dont ever come to me and pretend how innocent and friendly you are but from all the lines you gave, you're just trying to dig something from me. If you wanna hint something, sorry my brain are just too blunt to catch that and if you have something to tell me, just say so. I hate the guessing game. How i pray all the gals in the world would stop gossiping and if they love to backstab, just as long it's not my back i'm too willing to get some popcorns and watch.
2. A phone call that wanted me to help despite that i cant help at all as the person involved can very well do that by himself. She was just too anxious bout everything.
3. Another bad experience. When things concern bout money, even the nicest ppl would sure turned into the nastiest. Didnt say i have to give 2 months notice before i moved out and didnt signed any contract, so it's not a written statement but well the landlord suddenly decided to have that rule so what am i gotta do? Stay in vista til May? And it's very unreasonable for him to said so.
4. Another phone call that really stressed up my day. For one mere performance, i had told him that i'm having finals and i really dont want to perform. How he can dragged on the phone for so long, and when i said i really dont wish to do so, accusations followed. I dont really understand why? Why when other violinists wish not to perform, they can get off pretty clean, and when it's me, it's always my fault my problem and my inconsideration? Yeah right i was given one pseudo-reason, that's for being a good violinist. I said i didnt study much i need to do so and am a better night person, but then he reasoned that i wont be studying for the whole day and night and that one hour wont seriously kill me. One hour, you sure it's going to be one hour? Whatever, i can never win in any quarrel. And i still hate it. You want me to do things your way, first respect and do things my way. Dont take my presence for granted. Know that you need me and then respect comes first. I'm not a doll or puppet where i have to obey every strings you're pulling.
5. Minor things that i dont wanna share now.

I tried to study yesterday but nothing goes into my grey brocolli. I know it's all my fault, being too lepak can be very bad. Push every module to the study weeks. Blame myself if i fail. But at the mean time i only pray that i'll pass. This is not the reason i shredded my tears. I hate myself for being weak in all matters concern those ppl i care and love.

With all those bad thoughts still wandering in my mind, i thought it would be better to hear some familiar voices since i've been alone for too long dy.(And i'm going to be so for another 12 days.) He was diagnosed with HF a few years ago. I still remembered the fear i had when Mr David Chong said the survival chance for these patients are 50% after 5 years. Countless times i been to visit him in hospital, learning bout his progression. Yesterday i know i'm the only person he shared his latest disease progression. His heart swells more and his kidney's failing. I was really in fear. To think that i'll be away from him til 2009, to fear that he'll leave me one day, then all the bad emotions came in, then i just let fear engulfed me, and start letting my tears loose. But thank god laura's msg came. Joining them for awhile eased me, really thank them. Thanks hungjen for the nice joke as well. :P Thus my tears only ran for a few minutes? haha

I'm like a misery-keeping-chest. All relatives treat me as their own daughter, and they share things with me, i am happy to be able to ease their worries for awhile. But sometimes it's just too much, to see my grandma crying in my arms, to listen to my aunt's sickness and how she refuse to take medication etc., and to feel so hopeless and so useless coz i cant do anything to help.

It's bad, i get too sentimental for ppl i care and love. Too emotional, too weak...these traits, i can never let go. Sometimes it's very hard for me. I cant tell anyone, because it'll just bring worries to others. I choose to swallow everything, choose to be extremely optimistic. But still my emotional range has its limit. Especially when i'm alone for too long...no one to talk too. I will let myself dwell in those worries for no reason. For the first time, i really wished someone i know, anyone, was with me yesterday, hug me for awhile, tell me it's ok, dont stress, dont worry...but not those 2 tortoises la LOL haha. She said, why dont i just telephone my mum? I said, it's hard to tell her, she has her own problems to worry bout, as a daughter, i should be the one to ease her worries not to bring more to her, and i know she'll worry like hell if i tell her my problems. She got so frantic when i said i'm going to get sick...i wouldnt dare to frighten her further seriously. I want to be manja after EOS, although that's not the way i'm brought up to be. I guess as i grow older, i'm weaker. I wanna be strong, i still have a week's worth of battles to fight next week!

A note to myself: you're not a princess, waiting for the rescue of a knight! You're your own princess and you're your own knight! Remember that! And stay strong, for a lot of ppl are counting on you!

And i just wanna pass next week's EOS. God please help me!!

I Have S-P-L-I-T PERSONALITY

This is a post bout rubbish, it'll only waste your time, so if you have no time to waste, dont read ya!! This is super crappy and i'm just trying to run away from reality for awhile!!

It's a good sign or a bad sign that i finally found out that

I

HAVE

SPLIT

PERSONALITY

aka

SCHIZOPHRENIA

for real!!!

Why, because:

1. hungjen cant stop saying i'm sweet (she probably doesnt know i'm evil)
2. laura keeps saying i'm cute (coz she treat me like a small sister i guess)
3. ...ade, ade, she... she... keeps saying i SMELLS GOOD!! (this is a bit scary right?)
4. KPMS (king peeky meeky of sampatland) said i'm crazy and sampat (ofcoz lar if not how you guys actually drag me in and give me such a slimy nickname?)
5. the medics...cant stop saying i'm naive and innocent -.-'' (and starts giving me grown-up lectures lol)
6. as my own gang....sigh...

Feedback:

• Mich the hell belle said, 'it's a good thing, you should be happy' (she was referring to all those traits)
• Penguin said, 'where got cute? i cuter!' (ofcoz i know that)
• Laiyee said, 'you really too naive dy, so cute also when posing infront of the camera,' (i'm dehydrating)
• Missywhothinkssheisabetterpigthanme said, 'cute is not good,' (perhaps it's true, gals our age, still cute? sweat sweat sweat)
• Jason said, ' innocent maybe, naive, no gua..' (this is prolly the most honest comment)
• Guys in my gang, '... ...' (basically they cant really tell, or they care not LOL)
• Dont dare to ask Khee Chun...sure get bombarded wan...saying me too free to go care bout these things. (true lar, me love to waste my time haha)
• Gals in my gang, '..-silence-... ya lor ya lor!' (this is bad, dont know they really meant it or they are being sarcastic haha)

Yo ho! The conclusion? I really have split personality right? right? in front of different ppl i have different characters because, sweet =/= cute =/= smells good =/= naive, innocent =/= crazy. If these come from same source you can say those are all my traits, but when it's from different sources, that means...SPLIT PERSONALITY wheehee!! LOL

But i know, i am EVIL AND SUPER CRAZY nyek nyek nyek.

Ok la enough crap dy, have to study if not i'll add depression to my personality LOL. (man, i hate to pick up the book!)