The reason why...

I'm 23 years and 20 days old, today



I am having mixed feelings now. Mostly negative feelings.



My working life is a bit stressful at times but i'm coping.



I ended something which i've been having faith for so long....so long....today. Something that i put hope, faith, patience, trust, efforts, love into it.



And it lasted for around 9 months. Something that broke my heart for the second time, in another form. Cuts so deeply, i'm almost drained of blood.



Of all the words that you've been put infront of me, those lines, those names, those promises, those plans... they used to be so strong, full of strength that can carry me anywhere. Now they seems so feeble, every words laughing at my silliness, naiveness for being so trustful. Silly gal.



And for a period of time, maybe short, i thought i was loved, i thought i was being cared of, and i really thought that thoughts were spared, just for me. Things started to crack, when a small promise made, was broken, the same promise was remade, broken again, and the third time it did. Until i realised that isnt important anymore. Little did my heart started to realised that words were all i have, nothing else.



And for a period of time, i could feet that, i'm just like a float, a spare tyre, a substitute and an entertainer, and my role was to fill up those free time, to kill time. And i was so enthu, staying up til midnite to play that role very well, and waking up with just 4-5 hours of sleep just to complete my role again. How pathetic haha. Everytime you say you're sorry, my face will come out just when you needed it.



I planned to have a wonderful christmas, a surprise. I planned to go back for studies. I planned to have summer vacations. I planned and think and planned. All come to nil. The money i saved...i should spend them on other things.



I realised that i'm not that important at all. Coz simple excuses could make me happy, and not even a short 5 minutes could be spared for me. Things surfaced when i'm getting serious. This fact hurts but then it's the truth. So i dragged the days, keep having faith, tell myself i'm being too sensitive, to possessive. I started to gave excuses for myself. Delaying the pain.



But clearly deep down i know what is going on. Wasted loads of tears. Denial was what i did for the past couple of months. Having no strength and courage to face the truth. Keep telling myself i have to be considerate, have faith, it's not easy, and i was told that it'll never be easy and it's different (and so i thought that was what's was playing in your mind too, having the same faith as me).



Excuses, apologies, drags, avoidance, even perhaps, lies too... i've been too patient i guess. Giving loads of space, time. I didnt even cry so hard the first time i was falling so hard on the ground. This time, i drained all my tears. Completely. Put all my hope, thoughts and love into this joke. Wishing that things would be better one day....but things never changed. I gave chances after chances...what do i get in return?



No explainations, no efforts made. No more care, no more 'hun' or 'babe' but only 'hey'. And i get tired. My eyes get tired, my heart gets tired, my mind gets tired.



I am left in the cold, the dark.



You could take away all my love, so what do i need you for?

You could take away all the words, there's no meaning anymore.

You can take away everything and left me lying on the floor.

I'm broken, and i wonder if you could mend me anymore. Though for you, it's such a hassle to do so and you'll just leave it coz you, like ur old self, couldnt be bothered as usual.



There are times i wanna say, lets start this all again. But the next thought always hit me hard, 'babe, he isnt being genuinely interested, you are kidding urself, Alice WAKEUP'



You're not sorry, as i waste my hope that you'd come around.

I hope someday, i will find someone who will treat me well, who deserve me, if you are not the one for me.



If you cant handle me when i'm at my worst, you certainly dont deserve me when i'm at my best. And yes, this year i've been the worst, with all coming in one by one. Though i wanna thank you for being there at the start when this year was bad, and keeping me happy and alive, though that was short. Thank you for making me stronger. For letting me know that, when i'm down and facing problems, i no longer have you and all i have is myself to get it over with.



I said before that i'll cut all possible connection. Though you said before that you never want that to happen, but i guess you dont care anymore



I cant hate you, because i love you so much, yes i love you, so much (a phrase i know i can never say to you), that i can only wish you love and set you free. I know from today onwards, your face shall be fading away from my life. Your hugs were history. Your lips are the one i never get to kiss. And i am gonna be the best you never had.



I'm saying goodbye, while having no tears to cry. I stay in love with you. Until i manage to erase you forever....



The reason why, i'm dying with a bleeding heart...