Year end, always a good time ^,^

Despite the fact that i should be topping up my knowledge preparing myself as i 'float' around before i'm officially registered, i've been pampering myself with much moneywasting behaviour.

Who cares, i've been quite happy when i spend recently. Though much considerations and also struggle just before i lessen the burden of my pocket purse... haha but in the end, still i chose to take a few risks and try out new things

First of all, i've coloured my hair. I'm now a brunette, with midlength hair. Was quite worried it wont look nice, but turned out even my mum likes it, previously she was strongly against it.

Gatherings, shoppings, movies, FOODS lol these couple of months been quite eventful.

Harry Potter was more like a horror movie lol though some said it's boring, not much of action, but i found it quite ok. Darker plot of course. Not to say i'm very excited, but to see the characters matured across the years, it's been like a routine to watch every instalment :) Though it did came to my thoughts that, after next and last instalment, it will all came to an end, and that'll be the end of Harry Potter, and also the end of readers' fantasy, after all these year of loyalty :P Well we'll just have to see what the last could offer us.

I love minature things and deco, 1.5 years ago, i played around with models, now i am playing aorund with miniature furnitures. And i've spent quite an amount for a painting set. Cant wait to start that :)

'Floating' around is fun, but stressed sometimes. Not stressed, due to nil requirements. Which is good. After work i have the time to myself. THough soon all the oncalls will come chasing me, but still, it's quite ok i guess.

There are so many things i wanna do, watch dramas, travel, read books, and my hobbies lol but i guess i'm just have to take things one at a time.

The thing i enjoy the most is being able to sleep more than i used to for the past few months. Things been hectic and complicated haha but now i can sleep with a safe and relax mind. It's good ^^

Speaking of that, i'm again...sleepy. So toodles and i shall date in my dream again tonite.

The reason why...

I'm 23 years and 20 days old, today



I am having mixed feelings now. Mostly negative feelings.



My working life is a bit stressful at times but i'm coping.



I ended something which i've been having faith for so long....so long....today. Something that i put hope, faith, patience, trust, efforts, love into it.



And it lasted for around 9 months. Something that broke my heart for the second time, in another form. Cuts so deeply, i'm almost drained of blood.



Of all the words that you've been put infront of me, those lines, those names, those promises, those plans... they used to be so strong, full of strength that can carry me anywhere. Now they seems so feeble, every words laughing at my silliness, naiveness for being so trustful. Silly gal.



And for a period of time, maybe short, i thought i was loved, i thought i was being cared of, and i really thought that thoughts were spared, just for me. Things started to crack, when a small promise made, was broken, the same promise was remade, broken again, and the third time it did. Until i realised that isnt important anymore. Little did my heart started to realised that words were all i have, nothing else.



And for a period of time, i could feet that, i'm just like a float, a spare tyre, a substitute and an entertainer, and my role was to fill up those free time, to kill time. And i was so enthu, staying up til midnite to play that role very well, and waking up with just 4-5 hours of sleep just to complete my role again. How pathetic haha. Everytime you say you're sorry, my face will come out just when you needed it.



I planned to have a wonderful christmas, a surprise. I planned to go back for studies. I planned to have summer vacations. I planned and think and planned. All come to nil. The money i saved...i should spend them on other things.



I realised that i'm not that important at all. Coz simple excuses could make me happy, and not even a short 5 minutes could be spared for me. Things surfaced when i'm getting serious. This fact hurts but then it's the truth. So i dragged the days, keep having faith, tell myself i'm being too sensitive, to possessive. I started to gave excuses for myself. Delaying the pain.



But clearly deep down i know what is going on. Wasted loads of tears. Denial was what i did for the past couple of months. Having no strength and courage to face the truth. Keep telling myself i have to be considerate, have faith, it's not easy, and i was told that it'll never be easy and it's different (and so i thought that was what's was playing in your mind too, having the same faith as me).



Excuses, apologies, drags, avoidance, even perhaps, lies too... i've been too patient i guess. Giving loads of space, time. I didnt even cry so hard the first time i was falling so hard on the ground. This time, i drained all my tears. Completely. Put all my hope, thoughts and love into this joke. Wishing that things would be better one day....but things never changed. I gave chances after chances...what do i get in return?



No explainations, no efforts made. No more care, no more 'hun' or 'babe' but only 'hey'. And i get tired. My eyes get tired, my heart gets tired, my mind gets tired.



I am left in the cold, the dark.



You could take away all my love, so what do i need you for?

You could take away all the words, there's no meaning anymore.

You can take away everything and left me lying on the floor.

I'm broken, and i wonder if you could mend me anymore. Though for you, it's such a hassle to do so and you'll just leave it coz you, like ur old self, couldnt be bothered as usual.



There are times i wanna say, lets start this all again. But the next thought always hit me hard, 'babe, he isnt being genuinely interested, you are kidding urself, Alice WAKEUP'



You're not sorry, as i waste my hope that you'd come around.

I hope someday, i will find someone who will treat me well, who deserve me, if you are not the one for me.



If you cant handle me when i'm at my worst, you certainly dont deserve me when i'm at my best. And yes, this year i've been the worst, with all coming in one by one. Though i wanna thank you for being there at the start when this year was bad, and keeping me happy and alive, though that was short. Thank you for making me stronger. For letting me know that, when i'm down and facing problems, i no longer have you and all i have is myself to get it over with.



I said before that i'll cut all possible connection. Though you said before that you never want that to happen, but i guess you dont care anymore



I cant hate you, because i love you so much, yes i love you, so much (a phrase i know i can never say to you), that i can only wish you love and set you free. I know from today onwards, your face shall be fading away from my life. Your hugs were history. Your lips are the one i never get to kiss. And i am gonna be the best you never had.



I'm saying goodbye, while having no tears to cry. I stay in love with you. Until i manage to erase you forever....



The reason why, i'm dying with a bleeding heart...

A brand new day :)

For what seems like a lifetime.... I'm BACK!

What a busy eventful shitty pressured PRP year, though i'm late, but at least i ended everything yesterday just 15 mins before 5 pm. YESH now i'm FLOATING.

Today, today it's a holiday! and i'm sleeping all my way til mid morning. Waking up with a shoulder pain but hell yeah i know that it wont be the same as the previous nights.

Hmm....23 years old. Confusing age. I know what comes next will be plenty of changes, plenty of decisions to make. Things will get better, even if what i about to choose will lead me into confusion, and lost me my direction. But yes, every option is a door to a brand new start.

Go away those bad feelings. Bless me :) and i'm glad to say

I'M BACK AFTER A YEAR OF whatseemslikeahell LIFE.

resurrected!

Time flies

Exactly a year (though 3 days late) after my last blog... Time flies, i'm now, sitting infront of the desk, in Birkbeck. Waiting for graduation and embark on a new journey of my life.
Lots of things happened during this whole year, happiness, sadness, stressed, confusions, comforts, nervousness, panic, heartbreaks, stomachaches, fluctuating IQ, cheekiness, sexiness, etc lol. In deed a pot-pourri of emotions. A rich and meaningful year indeed.
I'm amazed at my selfcontrol, being able to abstain from my stupid crappy blog for one whole year, though most of the time i didnt have much mood to start writing anything, coz too much going on, too much hassle to write. Have to admit, glasgow indeed made me lazier than ever.
Studies were ok, why? coz i am never a good student with high self-discipline. Thus i never put 100% into my studies, and i really wasnt bragging. I always do last-minute studying, or works.
Trips were fun, enlightening, as well as tiring. But nothing much serious happened during those trips and i'm indeed lucky.
Though being unable to travel the whole europe, but i'm very satisfy that i've been to 9 countries, namely UK (of course), Spain, Czech Republic, Switzerland, Germany, France, Austria, Belgium and Holland.
It's too troublesome to recall what happened during the past year, and the pictures of how we were when we first arrived in Glasgow are still vividly imprinted in my mind. Time really is merciless.
What makes my life here meaningful? it's not the place, it's not the culture, but the people around me. Bonds of friendship acquired, priceless.
The weather's been unkind compared to Malaysia's weather. The most interesting for us all was the snow i guess.
Too much to talk about, and since i blamed Glasgow for making my lazier as the time goes by, i shall excuse myself by saying that pictures speaks a thousand words. Part of my life in Glasgow were posted in facebook :P
Too exhausted today, having to move out of JBC, into the Todd's 'refugee camp' for a few hours, then moving into BIrkbeck lol. And i'll be changing partners everyweek. Was a bad decision. Shouldve booked under my name so i can stay static or better, use any male coursemate's name so i can save the trouble of moving up and down and between blocks...

Blogging mood is diminishing...lol shall stop here.

Happy 1-Year Abstinance Anniversary :P

Where the road leads to?

All ppl having fun packing, getting ready to go abroad, excited about what lies ahead of us, and i'm sure that's the feeling that all of them will be bringing with them next tuesday. Perhaps, plus some melancholy feelings, missing all the close relatives and friends in M'sia, and even food and weather as well.

I wonder how can i describe my feelings, the percentage of excitement is about...let me see...5%? Sadness? For now a lil, coz i know i'll be seeing them 400 days from now. One year, it's neither long nor short. Anything can happen during this period.

I'm neither excited, happy, nor looking forward, it's plain neutral feelings. I'm really feeling much uncertainty, not of what lies ahead of me in Glasgow, but of what will happen here in M'sia as well as to me and to them.

I started to blame myself, for a fault that's totally not mine, then i started to think, if i chose another way years back, things would have been different. Although i live by my quote, and i dont regret my choice, but i cant help but start thinking, perhaps, just perhaps, i could be the key to everything. Yes, and why must i always be the key to everything, even simple things like a violin performance either at my home town or either in IMU, i'm always the key... Or rather, ppl just love to put me as key, so i'm the one taking the whole responsibility for things.

The Road Not Taken, i still remember that vividly...if you're in my shoe, you cant help but think the same way as i am now. Maybe i should be the one to blame...though i was told it got nothing to do with me at all, but, really???

I already have lots of uban, cant i have a whole full week with nothing to worry about? can i? Ppl will say, tell lar, share with us, will make you feel better, but seriously will you all actually understand? things will be complicated to you coz you wont get the whole picture. Plus, how many ppl can i trust seriously? Insecurity, yes, i'm always feeling that since secondary school, and also recently. I might appear to be independent and reliable to friends, but i must admit that i am not. I DONT TRUST MYSELF AT ALL.

Yes, all close friends say, i'm always optimistic, happy-go-lucky, sometimes it's good to be that way but do they know that actually, being optimistic will only help you to 'act' strong for just that lil moment, it's actually what a coward usually does. The problem is still there. Being happy-go-lucky and optimistic will not solve any problem.

Me myself is amazed by how i could changed in such a short period of time. I've warned them, that i might change anytime. I dont know what will i become. But i think i'm going to be a real katak soon, cold-blooded. Dramatic life, such wonderful encounters, more exciting than watching drama. What has dawned to me, what has happened, and what i met, changes me. But still, to those i love, i will still love you, to those i like, i will still like you, to those i care, i will still care, but i wont find excuses for those ppl who dont deserve them. No more compassion. Life is never fair, no matter how hard i try to make things fair, no...life's never fair to me. Balanced by what i got, and the talents i have? But i was forced to abandon them one by one by fate.

I never completed any of my talents. Violin...how would i know i'll be a better violinist than a pianist? if i knew i wouldnt have started piano at that tender age. And it's just a small town as well. She thought i was a promising student, the second after her music prodigy student from Batu Pahat, and she was certain that even though i cant be a professional player due to my late exposure to the instrument, i will sure go into an orchestra. It still aches me that i will disappoint her. Just look at my fingers, they arent flexible, sensitive and fast enough anymore. Grade 8? i guess my lvl's now only mere pass Grade 6. In addition, i'm so going to have to leave my violin here, in M'sia for more than a year, cant imagine how bad my intonation and aural will be when i next play a violin. 4 months of off and on practicing and i've declined so much...it's never a good choice to put that instrument down, during that critical time, when your skills are at the optimum, and just a few more months of active fiddling, then you're moving towards another phase...

Sigh..i said i disappointed lots of ppl, i do. Painting, another ache. Swimming, worse, when you were told by a professional coach that you're a natural swimmer, and the next week you are so excited you finally get a real coach (instead of daddy, who until now still forbid me to learn Butterfly! and refuse to teach me!!), the STUPID MUAR POOL IS CLOSED FOREVER!! So what can i do? stay away from pools, til i'm a little afraid of water now. Skating, nope we couldnt afford that plus we're not capable of travelling up to KL just to learn that. Given chance i wont be joining St. John and shouted til my voice coarse...Piano, it somehow disappointed my teacher only i guess, for i chose violin and drop piano coz i was allowed to pick one instrument at a time. Sigh, i cant even hold the calligraphy pen straight now, Uncle Chee will be glad that he never had a student like me.

Upon looking at what i been through, i can only say, things happened for a reason. Things that are not mine to worry about, still bother me much, things that are my own to worry about, will persist so, until i die i think. I pray hard, for nothing to happen, for granting my wish, and just let things go my way can?

Now i think i need to worry about my studies, i've been hibernating very long dy, the marks are just horrendous. I need something to push me. Please for the first time in my life, please be serious about studies. No more last minute readings. AND I MUST MEMORISE ALL THINGS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY UNDERSTANDING IS REALLY NOT ENOUGH IN MY COURSE ANYMORE. MISS C, JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE TO MEMORISE THINGS DOESNT MEAN YOU DONT NEED TO!! TWICE READINGS BEFORE EXAM WILL ONLY LEAD YOU TO 'HELL'! Please God, dont send me any temptation during my stay in Glasgow, let me be void of entertainment!! ARHHHHH....

Enough crappiness... now i need to do thinking....

Check my kitchen post: simple recipe

I wish tomoro, i will fit into that dress...and she better get it done tomoro.

Lots to blog but i'm lazy, maybe hmm...tomoro lar lol.

These few days, i'm happy being a sidekick in the kitchen, mum and aunt just love to have me and 'nag' bout how to cook this how to cook that, well i know they love to cook and bake and having me helping them wash, slice, cut, fry etc etc...ahaha.

But really enjoyable. Learned new stuffs.

Oh yaya, today, i makan 28 prawns!!! I just LOVE seafood!! I'm craving for crabs...daddy~~~ faster cook me my favourite crabs lar~~~
Thanks to aunt, very kind of her to cook me prawns. Ahh...maybe no prawns for me for more than a year starting next month!!

Later will blog more, if i have the mood, i'm so into some songs and movies now, and streamyx is really really getting more and more disappointing.....faster faster, move faster please!!

Torrents, seeds, leeches, i need more~~~~

I need not to think tonight...

Thousands of thoughts running cross my mind today, and i'm getting very very ''fan".

Now, let's see what can i do to drive myself crazy...

Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
-hmm, ppl can see stars blinking at night, you try ask anyone that are in the dark, that somewhere around them there's wet paint and i assure you that most of them will not touch but will walk cautiously to avoid, plus...they will believe it.

How can there be self-help “groups”?
-it's called so because they cant really self-help when they're alone, but they can when they're in 'groups'

Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dog's face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
-i didnt know that, but i guess that's because you have bad breath

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-i dont know, as long as it's something you can see and touch, it'll be popular, maybe this is true for the first question too.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
-hmm, maybe it says 'human', because when human take pics they say cheese.

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
-i think tenty one sounds better than onety one.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
-for us to help lar >.<. If there's no 'others' there wont be the word 'help' in the dictionary, if according to your question.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
-good question. The fifth one sure enjoys it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-this is so that the ancient scientists could have a job and so that they'll know man evolved from monkeys and apes. Understand? so they could compare!! and win Noble Prize.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-i think i'd like to squash the bread before i slice it, always very tempted when i see freshly baked bread lol.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
-they have to because they're synchornized, on the other hand, swimmers dont drown easily, swimming is a skill that'll be stored as long term memory like driving, even if you've lost all your memories, if you were thrown into a pool you wont drown, easily.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
-that's to make sure that you dont sue the company if it's not sour anymore after the expiration date.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
-i'm a winner in failure.

Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
-who cares, as long as the sound 'roid' is there, it always means something foreign and shouldnt be there?

Phew! This is very syok, to see my lameness gaining a higher level!! Dont think when doing this, just type after finish reading the last word of every question.

I'll do more blogging, coz i got requests!!

Chatted with a few friends online:-

Gals do really need to learn to be good painter, if and only if they love to 'ban leng'. Look at those colours!! OMG the price is seriously crazy, and the time spent!! One make up took you half an hour??!!

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I think maybe i have some super power!! Simply guess that V Co actually has a bear and yup! Bingo! he really does have one, only that...only that...it was given to him during convo lol.

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No baby face please...ok, maybe the look doesnt matter, the character matters the most lol. But still, i prefer macho, tall, cool, manly, guy. Ahh yesterday i was watching this Hindustan movie (i just love it, the music, the colours, the dancing, the culture). I know just the one the fit all those traits i mentioned, Hrithrik Roshan, though i never liked him before, always perfer those Khans over him(Shah Rukh's still my favourite, Salman so so, Ali Saif as well, Aamir is a good actor!), but yes he's the man lol. Ops sorry, pretty boy is allowed, once in awhile, ONLY!

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This gal, i think she's falling, or maybe she's just lonely? *sob..sob...* do you know that i'm a
'victim' of hers? She came to chat because the 'him' she wanted to chat with wasnt online, not because she missed me, and she was frust that why she has to be the one to start the conversation every time? and why he acted like endah tak endah like that? Poor gal haha. Dont deny it dear, it's good to fall and to like somebody. So, JUST ADMIT IT, THAT YOU LIKE HIM!! If not you wont be so emo when he's not online, cared so much if he thinks you're very crappy and boring etc...oh ho ho another 'lovely' case!! But it doesnt matter if he doesnt msg you first, i think sometimes, action speaks louder than words, what is done is way better than what is said haha. Wait, to think another way, if he just doesnt care to msg you, either he's a super big chicken that you can dump and cook curry, or that he's not interested at all. I do think that if a guy is interested, he would have msg you instead of waiting for you to do so.

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*different gal from the above* Another thing, i found out that Chinese-ed guys and English-ed guys, they are very different. I was told english-ed guys and gals, they're quite secretive, and it's hard to guess what's on their thought when it comes to expressing their feelings. I've only encountered chinese-ed guys, and they really are straightforward...they either stare at you long long, they will give you love letters, they'll confess, or they'll give you gifts once in awhile for no reason, or when they're younger, they actually buy you gifts every single day!! Sweet right? Ahaha, you should see those love letters!!(now i'm a bit regret that i throw mine away a month ago lol...but no matter, that was then, and they wont serve any purpose for me in the future as well, dont call me cold blooded katak ya) Chinese-ed guys, they're just adorable haha, and they do crazy things for love. That is the spices in the road of relationship and life, arent they? That's why i was in awe that english-ed guys are so so so so different when i was told LOL. ( n to this special girl, u really should have get the contact number!! n there's nothing wrong for a chinese-ed and english-ed to be together, my own parents are one example lol ) All the best!

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Sigh, young adults, they're always surrounded with relationship problems, or is it just recently? Anyway, all the best to all of you, muaks haha. An hour of chatting makes me not so sien dy. Going back to finish that vest!! {it was originally an idea to give it to my future bf, but i think now my bro needs it more, and since i do not have much nod from Mr Cash, so i can only afford normal synthetic strings. But it'll be just nice for M'sia's weather. Ahh, the front part not yet started!!}



P/S: Wool strings cost RM 15 per yarn, and that vest needs 9 yarns and perhaps at least 2 weeks of nonestop knitting!! Synthetic nylon cost me RM 1.50 or RM 2 per yarn only hehe, lokek me!!

There's no need to say goodbye yet

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

~Regina Spektor: The Call~

Life's been interesting???

I went to KL and will do so again, next week.

I gained weight, again, and i dont think any normal guy will be able to carry me, at all. Though all ppl said i looked slimmer, but that balance showed 'staggering' digits!!!

I was pissed with a pig and i still am.

Life was hectic, i also dont know why it was so, and i'm busy not for myself.

I havent arrange my PP3 case presentation.

I havent touch anything educating.

I got something i totally dont deserve. But it's very cool.

I wasnt showing decent manners recently, and i wonder why. Signs of losing lots of patience, maybe that reason that i'll leave untouch is the main reason for my bad demeanor.

I dont like to disappoint ppl but i guess i will in the end gua >.< pokok jambu at the back of the house. Hmm, now which b*****d cat got her pregnant??? I wanna kasi it!!

Dad's been using lots of chinese proverbs recently, i'm quite impressed, although most of the time, either the nahu's not correct or he just simply fill in the 'blank' with anywords he feels like, or even, a 4-word chinese proverb will become a super long 10-word proverb, like he did last night LOL.

I think i've been affected by one trait of those shopaholics, coz though i looked so fat in that gown (more appropriate to name it a dress), i bought it because i think it's cheap. And ya i think it's cheap. Damn i looked like an opera singer in black, that usually walks onto the stage in a single file...

I need laxatives i guess if i wanna lose some weight, any brands for recommendation?

I'm in fear of the number 6!!

I fear to touch my baby, for 2 months dy, sad, i wont be able to bring her with me, I SERIOUSLY NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!! And someone, please boost my passion, Khee Chun? LingWei? Anyone...with strong interest in music will do, please!!

I think that i am cold, now. Ppl are so busy sorting and clearing their feelings and doubts, i just ignore everything. Is this good or bad? The heart that burns brightly, but the eyes that flicker coldly.

Something that's in the blood, is something that's very confusing at times.


I cant think of my other recent updates, or i just too lazy to dig in now, just write anything that come across my brain. Hmm, i'm looking forward to see that traditional costume, since i handpicked the design and cloth meself. But..but..BUT...I NEED LAXATIVES!!!!!